


Growing Pains

by ladybugdays



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Character Study, Gen, Introspection, Mental Illness, Social Anxiety, Written by a tired lesbian, hashtag get more therapy Evan, no beta reader we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 14:21:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21100889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladybugdays/pseuds/ladybugdays
Summary: grow·ing pains/ˈɡrōiNG ˌpānz/nounneuralgic pains which occur in the limbs of some young children.





	Growing Pains

Whenever Evan was in pain as a child, Heidi Murphy used to lie her son down on her endless queen-sized mattress and massage his back until he was content. Being a nurse granted her both delightful bedside manner and infinite wisdom. His head hurt because he hadn’t eaten in a few hours. His back was cramping because he slouched so much. He ached because he was going through a growth spurt. 

Growing pains, Heidi would calm them. 

Most children experienced them. Evan wasn’t cursed with height- he’d be much clumsier if he was- but he had gained at least a few inches since infancy. He’d grown into his feet and stopped tripping over himself. He’d gone through childhood restlessness and the fatigue it cost his body. And as everyone else had, he’d survived undergoing the psychological warfare that was middle school. 

But then again, it was supposed to stop at some point, wasn't it?

Evan never gained complete autonomy over his body. The feelings inside of him never shrank, and his body never grew to accommodate them. No matter how much he slept, his body craved more energy. He could eat well, or exercise, or sleep forever and ever. It would never be enough. Evan never stopped being tired. 

His head never seemed to grow large enough to fit what weighed him down. 

Evan's mother would concede to him that he was a… sensitive child. None of the other children cried quite so easily. Not every child took the short attention spans of their elementary peers as soul-crushing rejection.

And, as Heidi Hansen would also admit to him, Evan's emotional habits did not soften with time. She could tell from the rings under his eyes she'd lovingly rub that he not learned to sleep easy. Mothers had a special tone of voice. When they asked how you were doing, they already knew the answer. Your response was what they were testing. 

Evan didn't bother her with the details. He knew that any explanation he could conjure wouldn't make sense. Life had taught Evan how irrational he was. Surely, if knowledge had power, he was therefore able to stop the bad habit? 

… surely he would be able to some day?

Zoe had tried to understand, in her own way. She'd tell him that he didn't have to worry so much. Her own habits were sweet like that, telling people that they didn't have to bother with being the way that they were. Evan knew she meant well. 

One time, Evan admitted that he couldn't compliment her too much in a day or else she'd surely worry he was trying to convince her. Then she'd think he wasn't genuine about it- that he just needed her to believe it. And she was already so insecure after what happened with her brother that her conclusion would involve their whole relationship being built off of Evan's pity for her family. But no, Evan respected her and her kind family so much that he couldn't compliment her too much.

She had laughed that awkward, pitying laugh that meant he was crazy, and called him sweet. 

It was better than Jared. Jared had never bothered to try. He'd known Evan before Evan learned to reign in his tears. _ Pussy, _ he would call Evan. _ You're so easy to pick on because you're a walking open wound. _

Well, Evan knew Jared was one car insurance payment away from ditching him anyways. Then he would go back to being the kid that had no friends- the kid people only invited to sit with them when moved by pity or a need for someone to whisper about when he left the room. Being the weird kid was bad enough, but he'd have to be the weird kid and the loner kid, and that would practically make him the next Connor Murphy. 

(Maybe if he was the next Connor Murphy he wouldn't have to lie awake at night lying out what his lab partner's frowns meant, and how overly bossy he clearly was for daring to put his name before hers on their shared worksheet.)

Some people claimed to like him. Or at least pretended hard enough to like him so he wouldn't be suffocated by the weight of pity. Alana respected his interests in environmental science. She had already collected enough credits for science, but as she put it, it would never hurt to learn more. 

Even though it was his interest, she already seemed to know more. So after a while he just let her talk. It was easier than risking her eager corrections. After a while, he figured out she needed someone to practice talking to. And he was good practice. 

(Would it be too conceited to assume even that?) 

So no, his head wouldn't ever grow to contain all of the thoughts that filled it. But that was okay. Perhaps it wasn't so bad to be stuck as he was. After all, he had become more than accustomed to living with a weight in his head. By now he'd be so light without it, he wouldn't be anything. 

So he found comfort in the exhaustion. He didn't know how to be awake. He found comfort in the regretful aftertaste his words left behind. He didn't want to risk being rude by forgetting his manners. And he tried never to forget how it defined his behavior. Without it policing his behavior, surely he'd be a rude little monster.

So the growing pains persisted. 

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Evan Hansen has always been deeply personal to me because of how much of myself I see in Evan. I'm doing well mentally and socially, but the way I process my interactions is emotionally draining.
> 
> My tumblr is @ladybugdays if you wanna give me a yell.


End file.
